Monday, December 21, 2009

Even If I Got Deported, I Own America

I want to be Miss America more than I want to be alive. Currently I'm Miss Illinois which my mother says is an achievement in itself. Uhmmm, I'm not really nervous, no. Most of the girls here will tell you that they were the prettiest ones in their high school but I'm the prettiest one in this pageant and that's what matters. I don't really agree with the way pageants of this caliber are represented in the media. This is one of my topics of discussion, by the way. Of course it's important to have a hot bod and white teeth but you also need to have great posture. If you begin your pageant journey with mediocre to poor posture, it will take you years to improve it. This is where I segue into discussion of the film Miss Congeniality. You know, because she was an ugly cop and now she's a beauty queen??? Then Murphy Brown is in the movie and she tries to stop her from being the winner by blowing up her head via the crown. The Miss America pageant is nothing like that. We're really just a bunch of friends here. But if I knew about an exploding crown you can bet your ass I'd be the first to place it on a bitch. Miss Nevada. The other day, during rehearsal, we were doing a conga line. Miss Nevada was holding onto me but she was gripping my dress so tight that she stretched out the back. Now it looks droopy. I really wanted to pull out her hair extensions but I know that that would jeopardize my chance of being Miss America. I have to refrain from physical abuse according to the contract they had me sign. It didn't say anything about verbal abuse so I made sure I told her how fat I thought she was......and then I replaced all of her clothes with clothes that were two sizes smaller. I'm not going to lose to a girl who doesn't know well enough to keep her clothes in a lock box. I'm not going to lose because I'm alive and if I lose then I'm dead.

Inspired by: Slick Rick - "I Own America"

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