Best Believe Me, She's Gonna Get It All

I'd probably kill her. Actually, I don't know what I would do and that kind of scares me. I can tell you this for certain though, if that "Monica" came around my "Bill" I wouldn't be as passive as the O.G., H.C., you know? I think that Hilary really screwed up as a woman. That's why she's not president. I really believe that. I wonder if they still see each other. Like, on the sneak. I bet he does. I'll tell you this though, Monica will never marry. She's too hoe-ish. Okay, if I were her husband I wouldn't have any friends because I know that my world would be nothing but temptation. My wife (Monica) would be tempted to sleep with all of my friends and all of my friends would sleep with my wife, (Monica). But I would exercise that philosophy of "bros before hoes" and I would be mad at Monica and not my friends. If I were mad at BOTH Monica AND my friends I would be super lonely all the time. My world would go from temptation to isolation. I'd probably start a bunch of hobbies at one time. I would exhaust myself on hobbies. I'd still be hurt by Monica so I would probably get myself involved in a hobby where I wouldn't meet any girls. I would do something so manly. Like, learn how to use a jackhammer. Then I'd eat sandwiches on top of skyscrapers with a bunch of guys and we'd whistle at pretty ladies as they walk past. But we would just whistle because that's all you can do when you've been hurt.

Inspired by: Sean Garret (Feat. Nicki Minaj) - "Get It All"

Fuck the Polices

They say "fuck the police" because it's a trend. They think it's cool to disrespect us when all of their friends are around but let me tell you something, when their cat gets stuck in a tree we're not going to be there to rescue it. Some day they will realize what a necessity we are to have around. Right now they're impressionable and rebellious. When I was your age I was also impressionable and rebellious but in those days I was crooning the girls and smoking cigarettes because that's what the Grease guys were doing. You know. No, not Grecians. Greasers. Don't smoke, by the way. You'll smell like Grandpa all the time. I know that you're different though, Randy. The guys at the precinct would be really upset if you ever said "fuck the police". I think it might be a good idea to scare your friends straight. Show them what kind of heroes the police really are. Do any of your friends have a cat?

Inspired by: Lil Wayne (Feat. Short Dawg & Gudda Gudda) - "Break Up"

Baby, He A Local Joker

I didn't want Ashley to find out about sex the way she did. Here we are, Disney World, the happiest place on earth. I look to my left, I see happy children everywhere. I look to my right and I see a couple of jerks humping near the snow cone stand. Before I could shield her sensitive eyes, she was already in line for a snow cone. I'm not sure that she noticed them but I'm almost positive that she did. She was really quite the rest of the day. She looked like she was in deep thought. I asked her what was wrong at one point and she told me about this one time when her teacher brought a turtle to school. I don't really think that has any relevance to this situation but I think she was only trying to be brave for mommy. I'm an adult who's had sex behind closed doors (don't repeat this) and STILL I cannot stomach watching other people do it. Imagine what it must look like to a child of ten. To me it's like watching a hot dog eating contest, you know what I mean? Well our whole trip to Disney was ruined. Just ruined. I was so distraught for Ashley's sake. I keep replaying the incident over and over in my head. I'm about done trying to think of ways to keep my marriage alive. What's the point when he's going to fool around with someone near the snow cone stand at Disney World!

Inspired by: Gucci Mane (Feat. Nicki Minaj, Trina, Bobby Valentino) - "Sex In Crazy Places"